Month: December 2016

i hit my weight loss goal for december and just in the knick of time. there are only 3 days to spare. i’m not sure how many months i can keep up this pace — it’s very rigorous. i hope to lose a total of 40 pounds in 7 months. so far i’m at 19 pounds in 3 months so it looks feasible. i know i’ll hit a plateau soon, but when? when i hit that plateau for more than 4 weeks, i plan on switching to muscle-gain mode by increasing my gym activity and powerlifting skills. 

no. more than that. i hate this day more than any other day of the year. 

i hate this holiday with every joule of my soul. crazy people everywhere, destroying all that is rational and reasonable. children throwing shit at children. piles of worthless merchandise. i wish i could return it all. 

i’m going to die with a knife in my back. 

you complain because you want attention. once you get the attention, you switch tracks repeatedly to keep us on our toes with our eyes focused squarely on you. you’re not that fucking interesting. life goes on, and i’m moving on. 

once in a while i have this recurring dream in which some part of my body has finally decided to grow the matte of fur i have always dreamed of. i always wake up, thrilled to be a hairy person. today it was my chest and belly in the dream. it took me always 15 minutes of wakefulness to realize it was just a dream. it makes me sad. 

i believe in description not proscription. don’t tell me what the english language is or isn’t based on some rules that were made up hundreds of years ago or by the elite of the english intelligentsia. that’s absurdly controlling behavior that you picked up from people who wanted to control you. what’s much more efficient and expedient and useful is to observe how the language around you gets used and code shift with ease. be an english aristocrat or a country bumpkin. if you want to control people, it is demonstrably more effective to coordinate with them that it is to dominate them. or better yet, keep all the tools in your belt and employ them effectively and protemporaneously. 

this will ring true but you will fight it nonetheless. no one will remember the duration. of your life, the duration of their time with you, or even the duration of a vacation. daniel kahnemann has aged pyro to prove and succeeded for better or worse at determining what really matters. we do not remember experiences. we remember peak moments and we tend to only remember moments at the end of a prototypical experience. see, we don’t have the memory capacity to remember an entire experience. this is why you must do something wonderful and dramatic at the end of every prototypical experience. people will not remember your life of happiness and joy. they will only remember that you died of cancer and suffered the last year of your life. 

rats, according to nobel prize winner daniel kahnemann, will pleasure themselves to death by starvation when hooked up the a machine in which they control the pleasure centers in their own brains. humans, it seems by analogy, are no different. this is why i have chosen the attitude in life that i have chosen. call it pragmatism if you’d like. it’s similar to psychopathy and sociopathy in a sense but instead of being inherent it’s tightly controlled. i am fundamentally an emotional person. i have spent the entirety of my adult life becoming an emotionally controlled person and i have become quite good at it. there are moments when i swipe at people like a cat or well up with sadness, but they are far and few between. i have observed that people tend to perceive me as a either this or that depending on which persona i present to them and often they are shocked when they discover that the two personas are radically different. at work i tend to be perceived as a robot — unfriendly yet productive. in my social life, which is slowly becoming as controlled as my emotions (on unrelated but comparable intensity scales), i appear a bit wild and rowdy. how to compare these two personas? i am one of the few people on earth who can distinguish them in myself. rarely do the multiplicities of personas meet in public spaces. the truth is that I have not allowed myself to be the rat. through self-discipline and sheer force of will, i attenuate my continual pleasure – the same continual pleasure that most people are afforded this day in age and the same continual pleasure they engage in until they kill themselves inadvertently. i choose when to be happy and when to be sad. i often blame it on autism spectrum disorder and it may well be that. yet somehow i am a successful person with high ethical standards and likewise i am neither a psychopath nor a sociopath. 

can’t really sleep. kinda zonked out around 9 and then woke up around 12:30. thoughts running through my head. worried about work. it feels like some days they love me and other days they barely tolerate me. how can that be? people quit from there too often. there are many gripes but one gripe is that it’s too corporate. i don’t feel that way. mostly I think people just don’t do their jobs. ideas are clouds. processes are work. these people want to imagine themselves doing their jobs and hope and pray that their jobs get done somehow. magical thinking. but i can’t say these things to them because these people are both low level and high level. as for me, i generally don’t let it bother me but for some reason this morning i am bothered. that’s why i  am running a bath and hoping that it will soothe my mind for a while so that i can fal back to sleep.