Month: November 2019

there is no point in telling the apologizers and the liars about the correlation of 1 because the apologizer is the liar and the liar is the apologizer.

talked to that old friend. it was like talking to a wolverine. bye, forever! good riddance! washed away the taint. now purified.

do you ever feel like a dwarf? do you ever feel like you mined the depths of emotions too deeply and now nothing compares? do you ever feel like you’re chasing that dopamine rush and you only ever hit on it every once in a while? i do. it feels like a rare earth magnet pulling my rusted heart right out of my chest. it’s a good thing i’m not as rich as my fantasies tell me i should be. i’d probably end up like heath ledger in a matter of minutes. if i can eat an entire large pizza in a matter of minutes, what could i do with a million dollars chasing after emotional states? i’m already on the edge of reality. i’m a nomad. i’m a vagabond. altered emotions are like heroin to me. maybe i’m an emotional vampire.

something came up and i told someone that the most stressful thing i’ve been dealing with lately is the death. fucking people. fucking pets. fucking family members. mathematically it makes sense but it still fucking sucks. where are my old friends? dead for all i know. some of them were such a horror show. some of them … it was more like love than friendship. i don’t even have friends anymore. i don’t know what friendship is. that’s a bit dramatic. but i’ve cut so many out like a cancer. it’s a good thing i live in my head. i used to think i lived in a digital world, but these kids today … they are not even functional irl. but me. i can’t even find my old friends out there. i mean, that’s a lie. i see one of them on facebook right now. but did i say hello? no. i didn’t. why? so many reasons. so many reasons. one of them has to do with a condemned heroin flophouse.

four billion years. it took, for whatever reason, four billion years for our planet to transition from basic physical chemistry to fully adaptive signal processing intelligence. god does not exist. but if it did, it is as slow as fuck relative to the speed of our signal processors (aka brains).

i’m a bit late to the party. cerio, pangborn, all the others. it feels like home. i do not simply want to be in hunter’s arms or converse for hours with anthony, i want to dive headlong into the fantasy. it seems so real. i’ve been there and i’ve done that. memento mortalesque imaginesque timere.